Dear Papa Amazon,

Dear Mr. Bezos, bringer of all things possible and impossible, maybe TikTok as well, please do another good thing: Deliver us from the beverage drudgery. Yes, hauling our daily bottled water or soda or juice or beer or Red Bull all by ourselves from the store to the car is hard.

Dear Mr. Bezos, the beverages are heavy! Help us out here, these are modern times. Wouldn’t you want to make a buck or two with ultramodern beverage service vans? Do you remember when milk was delivered in glass bottles all across the US of A? I believe Schwan’s is still carting around frozen foods. And, no lie, in Germany they are doing such a truly beneficial beverage service. They drop your crate of beer or soda right at your doorstep. And they take back and refill the bottles too.

Here Is How to Set Up Your Delivery Service

Dear Mr. Bezos, please realize there is a beverage delivery market gap. You can fix this easily. How?

1. Step: online ordering like we always do from Amazon. Piece a cake!
2. Step: fill up your beverage warehouses a little taller than Total Wine and Beer.
3. Step: I will be the first one to purchase a cooler box with a hinky-dinky digital key and put it by my garage.
4. Step: just dump my drinks into the box and pick up the empties. Yeah, the bottles have a deposit on them.

Get it? Mr. Bezos, your beverage delivery system will be the best in the world because it creates zero trash. Have you heard that bottles can be washed? Even sometimes the plastic ones. Did you know that aluminum cans are a valuable resource? Aluminum recycles easily.

Spare Us the Garbage

Your beverage delivery system will create a real cycle, not a “recycle”—because why should our municipalities pay for disposing of the trash that vendors make money on in the first place? The garbage mountains are growing, as you know. So, I am hoping that you can fix this situation. I know you can. But I am not sure you are too busy or nice enough.

This is how the rest of it works: you (Amazon) return the empty bottles and containers (perhaps in crates or sixpacks) to the producer (brewery, manufacturer) for refilling. If the bottles are damaged, the producer sends them back to the glass (can) factories. And those either melt the glass/metal or dispose of the materials in a responsible way.

Please give us our daily beverages, Mr. Bezos. I promise, it won’t be much more trouble than your minimalistic cardboard recycling at the moment. You have brought us so much, Papa Amazon. But don’t only bring bring bring! You should also take take take the burden of beverages and trash away.

Oh, Papa Amazon, do a good thing and bless us with a beverage delivery system. And also deliver us from unnecessary garbage. Amen

The War on Plastic